Filed under: Uncategorized
Yeah, i’ve not died after all. Turns out I was subjected to burly men destroying the ground floor and couldn’t even find a computer, let alone get on one. Since i’ve moved into my new flat i’ve mastered the art of pork. Yes, I said pork. Y’know, the stuff they make pigs out of. Well, Ric’s tip of the day is thusly;
A good thick pork chop should be placed on a baking tray lightly covered with butter. Preheat your oven to gas mark 9. Place your porky fun on the top shelf of the oven.
Cook the fucker for half an hour!!
Who need Nigella? Well, actually I do. If only for her breasts and sexy voice. Hmmmmm……………….anyway. Last night I was all alone browsing through my record collection whilst watching a repeat of Top Gear (rock n roll lifestyle to the hilt, i’m sure you’ll agree) when I came to the conclusion that records are far better than cds. And here’s why;
1, They’re bigger. And we all know that 12 inches is far better than 5 inches, don’t we fellas.
2, Some mid 80’s pressings are so thin, they’re razor sharp. If anyone attempted to mug you, it could be used as some cunning weapon to hack their head off.
3, Run out of plates at your cheese and wine party? Then simply use those old Bucks fizz records for the guests you least like.
4, You can use record sleeves to hide pornograpic magazines from your mum. Trust me, this works.
5, Place a record over a pan of boiling water. After a while the record will collapse in on it’s self. Thus creating a durable plant pot for you spring flowers. This works too!
6, If you play a record backwards it enables you to hear satanic messages, placed on there by satan himself.
7, The inner sleeves for Japanese records are usually just made of thin plastic film. Fill up the inner sleeve with water then tie the end up. Hey presto! A massive water bomb.
8, Use it as a dartboard. Each track would be worth different points. The hole in the middle would be the Bullseye. And the run out groove for the first song would be treble 20 etc. Extra points if you manage to land your dart on the bit in ‘Day In The Life’ when the alarm clock goes off.
9, Play frisby on the beach with your copy of Rumours by Fleetwood Mac
10, If you break down in your car, a stack of records can be used as an emergency wheel. Erm…. this isn’t highly recommended.
Bye for now.
